Official!!!

I actually started this blog last week and it was titled "Unofficially Official"!!  Two weeks ago we got some news.  I emailed our social worker about a few things and in the email I asked if his agency had any more questions for us.  A few weeks ago they emailed some questions they had after reading our home study.  We sent our answers but of course didn't hear anything back.  She emailed me back and said that she had heard back from them...they took him off the waiting child list.  That was HUGE news.  That is actually a major answer to prayer.  This means that NO ONE else will know that he is available for adoption.  He isn't "waiting" for anyone any more!  Originally we were told that he would not be taken off their list (our agency had already taken him off their internal list because they already approved us) until after immigration approval.  They changed that policy about a month ago and they began looking at our home study before we were approved.  When I read that email from our social worker I thought "hmmm...that is good news."  I didn't really even tell many people.  I told one friend and she couldn't believe I wasn't jumping up and down with excitement.  I guess I was just scared that it wouldn't stick or that for some reason Immigration wouldn't approve us (crazy right?).  So I just kind of mentioned it to a few people and that was it. 
Then last week we went to a marriage class (it counted as part f the 30 hours of "training" we have to have before all of this is done) and I asked our social worker to clarify what she meant when she said "they took him off the waiting child list."  She looked at me with confused eyes so I clarified my question.  I said "I need you to be very clear with me right now.  Does that mean that NO ONE else can come along and adopt him?  This is actually going to happen for us."  She said "YES!  He is reserved for you alone.  He is going to be yours."  My eyes welled up, but I remembered that I had to get through a class so I held it in.  I couldn't really concentrate on the class though!  But then when I left...I really didn't get too excited.  In fact I forgot to tell B what she said (he wasn't in the room)!  Another interesting thing that happened that night was that she asked us about our Immigration approval and screamed when I told her we didn't have it yet.  It was supposed to take 4 to 6 weeks and it had been 9!  We called Immigration once and they told us they had 90 days to approve it.  I told her that and she got very angry and said that was incorrect.  We didn't know to question it.  We just said OK to the 90 days and didn't think anything else about it.  We had already waited over 60...what was another month.  As you can imagine...we are pretty much experts on waiting!  She contacted them the next day and they said they would get right on it.
So today when I got home from work B showed me the Immigration approval letter!  At first we just high-fived it (classic Katie and Brian style).  Then I decided I should probably text a few people to tell them.  Then I thought of a few more people.  People started calling me screaming with excitement.
To really explain my lack of excitement I will have to explain THE GREAT WALL OF KATIE...and that might have to be in another post sometime.  But basically it is me guarding my heart.  As anyone knows who has struggled with conception or who has had anything traumatic happen involving a child...anything someone says about children can cause an enormous amount of pain.  ANYTHING.  You never know when it is going to hit...but when it does there is zero emotional control.  My wall has been built brick by brick for many years now. 
Please don't confuse my lack of excitement for a lack of faith.

"With God all things are possible" - Matthew 19:26

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose" - Romans 8:28

You see, I believe in the sovereignty of God.  No matter how this turns out, the way I want it to or not, God will work it out for good...for His good.  I know that and I truly believe it.  If for some reason I don't get this child, God has a plan that will bring glory to Him and that is what I want.  This child already feels like a part of my life.  I pray for him daily and I KNOW God has huge plans for him.  I'm just praying that those plans include me.  If they don't, I will be crushed.  But I have faith that God knows better than I do.  It is not all about me...it is all about Him.  His timing is ALWAYS perfect and He ALWAYS knows best.
My wall is temporary.  I have just lived with it so long now and I'm so comfortable behind it.  I will tell you this...it will all come crashing down with one little hand.  One little hand that I will take in mine by the end of the year. 
He isn't growing under my heart...but in it!

Katie