HMNI_AIBABTd

I decided if I ever own an adoption agency I will give all the parents name tags that read "Hi my name is _____ and I'm being attacked by the devil." And maybe design a t-shirt with that on the front and on the back it would say "Just sayin." Because I have found that when you sign up for adoption you are one of the devils favorite targets. Katie and I discussed this from the very beginning. In some ways adoption is like international missions. We obviously want to raise our children in an environment that will be Gospel-heavy. And probably most of our children will be international. So I think that qualifies for international missions. All that to say I know missionaries are high on the target list too.

So even going into this knowing there would be some tom-foolery thrown at us from little d, I was a little surprised to be surprised when it started showing up. It started out very ambiguous. I was just in a bad mood. I kept thinking it was just a bad day or it would pass or whatever. But over the last few weeks things got a little more specific. I think it was around Father's Day when things started getting weird. That was a completely strange day for me. Am I a dad yet? A few people told me Happy Fathers Day. But I definitely felt more like a son than anything else. We only have one picture. Should I feel like a dad already? I haven't decided what his life-verse should be. We're not even sure how to pronounce his Chinese name.

At that point I started getting really mad at the process and how open the time frame is. For example, we could make the trip during July, or it could be 8 or 9 months from now. And I started getting kind of annoyed talking about all of it, which I felt really bad about. Shouldn't my face light up when I talk about a boy who will be my child? Instead in most cases I would shut down and just not want to talk about it at all.

This is bad I know, but I like to resolve problems before I want to talk about it much. I think that is called dealing with things on your own. Katie is all too familiar with me doing that, but I think I have gotten better. I'm working on it. But I realized I can't resolve this situation. And even more I don't want to try to resolve this on my own. This confusion and frustration and whatever else is all part of it. And Katie, who is everything lovely and graceful, is tracking along side me the whole time. If you ever want to know more about mercy and compassion, get to know my wife.

The whole time all that has been going on we've had a number of family and friends going through some very difficult events.
Some of our friends have:
lost their Dad
lost a family member to suicide
been dealing with cancer themselves
been dealing with family members with cancer
In addition to that we just know a lot of people who are really hurting for various reasons right now. So in light of that I really have to get perspective and realize how many blessings God has given me and Katie. Even in weird darkness and confusion, I have so much to be thankful for.

I know this verse is true and I cling to it often: Psalm 18:28 For it is you who light my lamp; the Lord my God lightens my darkness.