The Day I Said "No"

Another title for this would be “A Hard Lesson in Submission”

I have been meaning to write this for a long time.  Writing about this day is hard.  I can honestly say this day was one of the hardest days of my life…so far.  But, I wouldn’t be where I am today without this day.  Where to start????

Well, I first have to start with some (ok…A LOT…I guess I needed to get all this out) background on my infertility journey.  It is something I struggle with talking about because I have always kept it very quiet.  I didn’t want to go through it and I certainly didn’t want others going through it.  I didn’t want to get any kind of attention from this and I didn’t want to take attention away from all the women at church who were having babies.  Also, Brian and I wanted to follow God’s will and no one else’s.  I know that many people have gone through the same thing and I didn’t want to make a decision based on their experiences and not what God had planned.

We had already made the decision to adopt from China, but the fact of the matter was that I had a disease and HAD to go see a fertility doctor.  My only options were 1) to go on birth control for…forever or 2) try fertility treatments.  So we decided that we should at least try fertility treatments even though no matter what the outcome was we would still adopt from China.  We prayed…A LOT!  We wanted God to lead us through which treatments to take.  We had no idea how to make that decision.  We prayed for a good doctor and we prayed that God would give us blessings to follow what He wanted us to do.  B was absolutely amazing through this whole process.  It was my body and he always gave me the final say and he was so sensitive to my feelings through this whole process.  I went to the first appointment by myself because I knew it would just be a whole lot of tests on me.  They confirmed that I had the disease my OBGYN had diagnosed.  I went into the doctor’s office and he said that his wife had the same disease (at this point I thanked God in my head for the first blessing that showed me we were on the right path).  So he gave me some options and I took them home to discuss them with B.  We decided to only try one kind.  The others were expensive and we felt that it would be better to use that money towards adoption.  So we went back to the doctor and as we told him what our plans were, he agreed with us.  He walked out of the office for a minute and came back in with our first round of shots (yep…I had to give myself shots…my worst nightmare).  He said one of his other patients had ordered them and then got pregnant without using them.  She wanted someone else to have them for free.  I couldn’t believe it.  Ok…this was a HUGE blessing so we HAD to be on the right path.  Have I mentioned that my insurance didn’t pay for any kind of fertility treatment?!  So we started the treatments. 

I took the pregnancy test the Tuesday before Thanksgiving 2007.  I need to mention that I was in a pretty deep depression during this time.  My parents had just moved to the other side of the world and so did my best friends.  We had moved to my parents’ house out in the country.  I felt very lonely and slipped into a deep depression.  AND it seemed like everyone was asking me when and if I was pregnant!  When you think about asking someone that...don't!  Ok?  So I took the test and it was negative.  I wasn’t as sad as I thought I would be.  I went into survival mode.  I told myself it was no big deal.  We would just try again (one more time).  This was God’s will and we were still on the right path.  I was OK.  I sent a text to a few people who knew.  My mom called and I was strong (I always try to be strong for my mom).  Then I called my friend (on the other side of the world!).  Something told her it was negative.  As soon as she picked up the phone I was crying and she was crying.  I got off the phone and was OK.  I was strong.  I would get through this and tough out another round.  That round was set to take place the day after Thanksgiving…my first Thanksgiving without my parents (the one where we cut into my turkey and it was raw…great and funny story that we reminisce about quite often).  That day B said that he thought we should wait another month before we went through another treatment.  He thought I needed time to rest and we needed to just step back for a month and wait.  Now comes THE day.

The day after Thanksgiving 2007.  The day I said “no” to my husband and to my Lord.  I was determined to get through another treatment.  So I ignored my husband’s plea to wait a month and I set out to the fertility office that morning by myself.  It was PACKED!!!  I went up to the desk and the receptionist told me how much I owed for this treatment.  Well, I was shocked to find out that it was double the cost of the first one (I’m still not sure why).  I reached for my phone to call B and figure out how we were going to pay for this only to find that I forgot to bring my phone.  So I had to call right there…in front of the receptionist and everyone in the office.  I told him how much and he said to put it on the credit card.  They didn’t take our card type!  So he moved the money from our savings online into the checking account.  Now…I’m stressed out and this should have been another sign (because my husband’s plea was not a big enough sign to me).  But NO…I was stupid and determined to get this over with!  So I go in to have my ultrasound done (they do that before and after every treatment).  The technician was not her normal chipper self.  She left the room and got my nurse.  The best thing about going through this process is that you get assigned one nurse.  She knows everything about you and you can call her at any time about anything.  She came in and told me that one of the over 100 cysts I have, had taken all of the medication and was extremely large.  I would have to go on birth control for the next month to make it go down.  I of course burst into tears at that moment.  Not because I had to wait another month but because in that moment I realized I had not listened to my husband and that I had not obeyed God because of that.  I left bawling.  Driving down the interstate barely seeing the road.  Wishing I could call anyone.  B, my mom, one of my best friends, Jana, who I knew would come and get me right away.  Instead I had to pull myself together enough to walk through my living room where B’s mom, dad, grandpa, and grandma sat.  I walked right by them, ran straight to my room and curled up in a ball on the bed.   B came in and I apologized for not listening to him.  He is so understanding!  I’m extremely thankful that even though I was a very defiant girl, God did not let me leave His will.  I learned a very valuable lesson in submitting to my husband.  He is the spiritual leader of our house and I really don’t envy him!  I’m thankful that he seeks God’s will and wants so desperately for us to live in His will always.  Never again have I defied him like I did that day and I pray I never do.  If you are reading this and don’t agree with submitting to your husband, please read what the Bible has to say about it.  It works because it is the way God designed it.  He is the great architect of life and this is part of our life.  

We did not go through another treatment.  We decided that we would only pursue adoption…and now we are just a few months away from adopting the coolest kid in Hong Kong!

Brian, thank you for being the man God wants you to be and the man I need you to be.  I love you babe and will follow you to eternity and beyond! 

Katie